Write for Business - Blog

"The bottom line for me is the sentence in front of my face. If nine out of ten of them hit the mark, then I'm satisfied."

- Gloria Naylor, author of The Women of Brewster Street

Writing is really thinking on paper, and we form our thoughts in sentences - some of them short and to the point, some of them long and flowing. (Most sentences in business writing, of course, should be on the shorter side.) When we communicate in writing, as opposed to speaking, we can revise or fine tune our thinking by reworking our sentences. Especially stubborn sentences may need to be revised two or three times before they "hit the mark."

• A Simple Test: To determine if your sentences work, do these two things: (1) Set your writing aside for awhile. (2.) Then read the sentences out loud. (Any awkward or poorly formed ideas will cause you to stumble during this reading.)
• A Simple Caution: Don't try to write the "perfect sentence," or as author Jan Greenberg states, "You'll never get past the first line."

You can refer to a business writing handbook such as Write for Business or a Web site such as UpWritePress.com for tips and reminders when it comes to basic sentence-writing tips. This posting focuses on one bothersome sentence construction that is not discussed in most resources.

"Is that" right?
Sentences that follow the "is that" construction (or a variation of it) invariably sound clunky, at least when I read them. Here is one example: (All of the examples that follow come from business magazines.)

Original sentence: Where we have made a difference is that we invest ourselves in the client's business and really see ourselves as being on their team.

Now read the same idea minus the "is that":

Revision: We have made a difference by investing ourselves in the client's business and really see ourselves as being on their team.

Discussion: By eliminating the "is that" construction, and making a few other minor changes, I have created a much tighter sentence.

Here is another example:

Original sentence: A major issue, experts say, is that primary care physicians are insufficiently compensated for the role they play, leading to a shortage of PCP's.

Now consider the same idea minus the "is that":

Revision: Experts say that primary care physicians are insufficiently compensated for the role they play, leading to a shortage of PCPs.

Discussion: Eliminating the "is that" construction again makes for a smoother-reading sentence, doesn't it?

Now You Try: Rewrite the following two sentences so they read more smoothly. Compare your work with a colleague and/or with the revisions provided below. (But no fair looking at the revisions until you do your own work!)

1. Also compelling is the fact that a failed international assignment can cost a company far more than the original investment, plus the potential loss of key management talent and productivity.
2. Therefore, it is essential to ensure that the screening process for potential expatriates includes an assessment of their global market.

Possible revisions:

• A failed international assignment can cost a company far more than the original investment, plus the potential loss of key management talent and productivity. (Simply eliminate the first part.)
• The screening process for potential expatriates must ensure an assessment of their global market.

Tip:Watch for sentences beginning with words such as "One of the…" or "There is…" or "It is…" (as in the second Now You Try sentence), because the word "that" or "because" will often follow. These opening expressions are empty of meaning and create wordy sentences.

A Final Word: Should you eliminate all "is that" constructions in your writing? Not necessarily. Just be aware that they may create clarity problems - and that they are easy to correct.

- Dave Kemper

Capitalize words like dad, mother, aunt, and judge when they are part of a title that includes a personal name, or when they are substituted for a proper noun (especially in direct address).

Hi, Aunt Mae! (Aunt is part of the name.)

My aunt is a doctor.

The senator said his favorite legislator was Senator Hubert Humphrey.

Please, Mom, stay for dinner.

A Closer Look
Here is a way to tell if a word is being substituted for a proper noun: read the sentence with a proper noun in place of the word. If the proper noun fits in the sentence, the word being tested should be capitalized. (Note: Generally the word is not capitalized if it follows a possessive noun or pronoun, such as Tonya's, her, my.)

Did Dad (Alex) get the promotion? (Alex works in this sentence.)

Did your dad (Alex) get the promotion? (Alex does not work here; also, the word dad follows the possessive your.)

(From Write for Business, page 207, and Proofreader's Guide PDF, page 19)

Choose means "to select"; chose is the past tense.

After being warned to choose her words carefully, Fiona chose to remain silent.

(From Write for Business, page 227, and Proofreader's Guide PDF, page 39)

The terms chair and chairperson refer to the presiding officer of a meeting or board. Use either term, but do not use chairman or chairwoman; the latter terms are sexually biased.

(From Write for Business, page 227, and Proofreader's Guide PDF, page 39)

Sentences may be arranged in four basic ways, each creating a different emphasis.

• The loose sentence places the main point at the beginning and then adds the explanatory material. For example, if you wanted to address a current problem in the office - such as workers opening windows when the air conditioning or heat is running - you could start with that main idea and follow with supporting details:

  Open office windows can create many problems, including higher heating and cooling costs, distracting street noise or pollution, and some potentially dangerous situations.

• The cumulative sentence presents the main idea somewhere in the middle, with explanatory material before and after.

  While it may seem a harmless situation, open office windows can create problems, not the least of which is the potential for birds and other animals to enter the building.

• The periodic sentence presents supporting details first, saving the main idea for the end.

  Considering the potential for increased costs, pollution, noise, and animal invasion, management asks that office windows remain closed.

• The balanced sentence is built to emphasize a similarity or contrast between two or more of its parts.

  Everyone has agreed that keeping the office windows closed will reduce heating and cooling costs and create a quieter, safer work environment.

Try to use a variety of these sentence arrangements to improve the flow of your writing.

You can learn more about sentences on pages 258-264 in Write for Business: A Compact Guide to Writing and Communicating in the Workplace, just one of the many helpful business writing materials from UpWrite Press.

- Joyce Lee

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